I know we facin a recession/
But the music yall makin gonna make it the Great Depression

-Jay-Z

It's not just the music Jay...In recent weeks, the general public has had to deal with an onslaught of tragedies. Some of these have been smaller in scale (the premiere of Tiny & Toya, the Knicks missing out on Stephen Curry, the folding of VIBE, our last Hip Hop magazine, etc.). While others have been truly epic, planes have been crashing, unemployment has increased for the 9th straight month and is the highest in 26 years and we've seen a large number of celebrities and icons pass away in a short period of time.

Starting with Ed McMahon, we've since experienced the loss of Farrah Fawcett, the King of Pop, Michael Jackson, and then Billy Mays. To me, what's shocking about all that's passed is the large number of tragedies I discovered through Twitter and it's trending topics. After Billy Mays passed away, I was pretty much prepared to believe any story of any other celebrity passing away. Apparently, the general populace that is Twitter was ready in the same way and this week we learned about the "death" of Jeff Goldblum (dude from Jurassic Park, Independence Day). Of course he didn't die and the rumor spark was fueled by the gasoline that is Twitter. It got so bad that even CNN reported on his death. (Hilarious video below)

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Jeff Goldblum Will Be Missed
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Jeff Goldblum

In my opinion, this shows that we are in some down times where we are really ready to accept any crazy story of any type of tragedy (not to mention, everyone (even the media) stopped checking reliable sources). If you read a tweet saying "OMG Diddy was shot on the G train" after seeing a trending topic, you're telling me you wouldn't be prepared to believe it for half a second even tho Diddy wouldn't take use mass transit even if someone paid him (especially not the G)...Even if this is a bad example, I'm just saying that I miss the happier days when everyone wasn't lookin to be the first person reporting a tragedy. I miss the days of everyone laughing at senseless shit. Even in recent days, we've had a lot of great/joyous moments like the Lakers winning a title, Iran having a re-election, the Democrats getting filibuster power in the Senate, Kwame getting drafted by the T-Wolves, and the Kanye directorial debut/upcoming Bishop Ford scandal/ TITTYFEST that is the Best I Ever Had video.

Even here on ViewRoof the most recent post is about me getting mugged. I take 1/8 responsibility for this (other 7/8 still goes to the asshole thief), but I miss the days of random posts about the 12th letter, Daddy Yankee stagefights, and girls getting impaled by power tools in their privates...We as a people need to step up to the plate to make the interweb funny again and it should start ASAP.

Soooo this summer I was attempting a mini experiment where I tried to create or increase the usage of a number phrases (like the opposite of OpusDei24's crusade to kill "dope" and bury "swag").
(Quick disclaimer: If any of these phrases are already in heavy rotation in your circle of friends, keep in mind the experiment was designed for people I chill with. So dont come at me w/ any nonsense and take a step back. Instead view yourself as innovative, ahead of your time, and/or my secret muse...ok that's all). The phrases are as follows:

1. "it's real in these streets"--an exclamation following a ridiculous conversation or event where someone does something inexplicably gangsta that is mostly unnecessary. Bonus points for this event occurring in an otherwise peaceful/gentrified setting...examples include drunk girls drinking another man's beer and stealing his money, leading into an altercation involving the girls' male friends...or simply the presence of a gun in an "intimate"/private situation.
2. "that just happened!"--an exclamation following a ridiculous event where someone isn't being gangsta, they're just retarded. First example that comes to mind is Eric pulling into an arby's, making two orders, finding out 2 of us in the car would rather have popeyes, deciding he wants popeyes also, and then "escaping" the drive thru without food, despite a cop being parked down the block and us pulling away furiously into a red light 10 ft ahead, smh.
3. "this can't be life..."--my favorite one because it can be applied to nearly all of life's pitfalls and cuz it was coined by Jay-Z on the first Kanye produced beat for Jigga man. Thus this phrase deserves the (c) Roc-a-fella records stamp and holds significance due to its origins from the dynamic duo. I use it for every event that slightly lowers the value and my perception of life. But its really non-serious and more akin to the overused "FML" in that sometimes bad things happen despite your best wishes...an example would be the time i broke off my "R" key and dented a section of my keyboard when a 6 lb calculus textbook fell off my bookshelf and onto my new laptop. The irony is, this occurred while I was installing special "non slip" bookends to prevent such an event -_-
   

The reason I began with this description is because yesterday I was unfortunate enough to experience an event that allowed me to utter all three phrases at once...

Yesterday morning, I was a good Christian boy and schlepped my way to church despite being out late the night before. Following the service, I went to my friends crib with my brother and decided to head home early so that I can work on cover letters and finish errands before the Lakeshow extravaganza. On my way home, i was making a phone call that required me to use my headset which doubles as my ultra chic Apple headphones. Usually I don't walk the streets with these things because people are lame and use it as a bullesye for trouble. But on this 6 block walk home I felt a weird sense of safety, since I walked about an extra 20 ft to get to the safer, more populated road, and cuz after turning the corner I saw my great-aunt and best friend's grandma fraternizing by the church (why is it old people make us feel safe? and since im talkin abt ladies, shouldnt the term be "sororizing"?). Anyway, the sun was shining and it was 3PM so I figured hey this Sunday stroll can use some tunes. Apparently bad idea since some guy on a bike rode alongside me and then stopped ahead of me as if he was going into a house. I didn't buy it, so I went out of my way towards the curb and even walked around a tree to avoid bumping dude. He still tapped me on the arm then this dialogue occurred...
Random Thug (RT): Hey
K: Yeah?
RT: Give me your phone
K: Na
RT: -pulls out gun-
K: "FUCK!"
-awkard pause- (probably not that long, but when a gun is aimed at you, time gets a bit stretched...)
K: aight man, here
RT: oh and give me your wallet
K: (shit) -gives it over-
-both depart from crime scene-


So yeah that was my weekend and in my opinion thats the rare trifecta of the aforementioned three phrases. This going down 3 blocks from my crib definitely shows that "its real in these streets", when I got home and mulled over a Sunday afternoon holdup, I definitely dropped a "wow...that just happened", and when its all said and done and I consider everything I lost despite my usual cautious methods (including my 21+ ID -_-) it really was a "this can't be life moment". However, since it was such a random event that occurred in the middle of afternoon in an area I'm very familiar with, I really have few regrets down the line. I'm grateful that I am alive and nearly everything is replaceable in life. Some people have told me that I should have been more resistant, but if someone can pull out in broad daylight than maybe they are not that stable to begin with. I have a sharp tongue, but I got limits. In addition, I was shocked at all the humor I still managed to find in everything following the event. An example is this dialogue with the police:

P: How tall was he?
K: I dont know he was on a bike...
P: Okay so 5'9-6'1...How old was he?
K: I don't know, late teens early 20s
P: Okay 16-24
K: o_0 -thinking- "i just profiled every guy I chill with, smh"

Also I found it weird that when I replayed the event in my head, I thought of how I would conduct the robbery better, which includes improvements like demanding the victim doesn't turn around and giving a forceful demand for the wallet instead of making it sound like an afterthought. Yeah, so either I'm sick in the head, or maybe I am just TOO much of a perfectionist...oh well Go Brooklyn!

First off shout out to Kwame aka OpusDei24. It's about time I put this post into fruition.


Over the last few weeks....I've attained a few L's. Seeing as how I'm a pretty damn honest guy...I'm gonna tell y'all how these L's unfolded.

L NUMBER ONE!

I had a nice fish dinner.YUM!!!!!I wake up the next day...My lip feels a lil weird. NO BIGGIE! -puts ice on lip-


-wakes up-












SPLACKOW!!!!!!!! There is a pancake where the right side of my upper lip used to be.

So...I take my...Hitch lip to the doctor. First the doctor insults my intelligence because I misunderstood what he said "COME BACK FOR A HEARING TEST TOO". This bastard looked like Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future" with brown hair. I wanted to Ric Flair slap chop him in his throat for that slick shit he said. He gives me antibiotics....and cortisone pills. Really all I needed was the cortisone. The antibiotics...useless. There was no infection. It was an allergic reaction....bastard.

L Number TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I end up at a COCKFEST of a barbecue thanks to a Cuffer friend of mine....Sgt ___ you re a great guy. Now....I'm still knocking down antibiotics like i got that CLAP or something...so I cant drink. So I'm cold shower sober.....at a wack BBQ (food was serious business though). Being drunk wouldn't have made all them big joints sexy but...EH!

L NUMBER THREE!

A big ass spider is running across my wall. nearly pissed myself.

L NUMBER FOUR!

That same week I go downstairs and almost walk face first into a spider bungee jumping in the basement. I think son tried to swing into my face like THIS IS FOR JO JO WE ROLL DEEP 30 BLOCK WEB GANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......shook to go wash my clothes for a good couple of days.


So anytime you go...man LIFE SUCKS!....At least you didn't have a Rob Week.


-drinks bleach on the rocks-

I remember that when i was a soph in HS we had this student parking lot, and I was soooo convinced that i would get my license and be swinging up in the lot wit a Bacon Egg and Cheese in one Hand. As soon as I could i went to take that lil test, my moms even let me drive home from the DMV when i got my permit . But the day when i got a chance for a car it never came my sis was gonna give me hers but 3 months before the great takeova some jackass didnt stop at the light and rear ended and totaled MY car. so with all this hurt I gotta have a special car when i finally do get it and it has to describe all of my sentiments to a "T" and this...this is something i like a lot

OK! So a couple of things, ShoutOuts to JusFocuz for actually staying “focused” and keeping us alive via Posts. Ive been MIA due to my late night word tussles with young ladies, (which is another story within itself to be mentioned somewhere down the road in a Post Rant), the start of my internship which is exhausting and time consuming although yes its exciting, cool and “Dope”(im very anti-dope right now becuz it used to in fact be a Dope word until everyone whored it out and made it similar to “swag” in my opion we just auto-tuned that one didn’t we? No shots Ron Browz I mean no harm but I digress) Honestly my homegurl put me onto this video and it forever changed my life…Prolly the best two minutes ive spent in 09’.

Things to make mention of:

1) How many times you hear “Baby”

2) Next time you think your relationship is strong question if yall can handle this

3) SMH Only in America I swear… what pertinence does it have to this …none but it fit

4) If you have like a super sensitive , or weak stomach just don’t watch its like Real Bad Micheal Jackson © GayFish